Where I am right now

Is projecting myself out to a late May evening, when it will be warm, still with that bite of chill in the air, and the sunset will come later than you expect and the new plants will just be pushing their way up into the world and I will sit on the porch with a drink and wonder why I ever thought winter was so bad, because it's over now.

That's where I am in my mind right now.

Primed and ready to go

Today, we primed the walls downstairs.

Did you hear that?

WALLS. DOWNSTAIRS.

Because there are walls in my house now (finally). And we put paint on them (sort of).

Tomorrow Nelson and Josel will finish with the last of the missing pieces and then we will be ready to go everywhere. Paint and paint and paintity (that word sounds dirty if you say it out loud), and then MOVE IN.

Here are five things that I am excited about in St. Albans

1. A house. With walls. With paint on them.

2. A movie theater within walking distance. Also a chinese food restaurant (CHINESE FOOD. I HAVE NOT HAD THIS SINCE WE LIVED IN MA BECAUSE IT DOES NOT EXIST IN VERMONT)

3. A grocery store that is less than twenty minutes away AND open 24 hours.

4. A much shorter drive.

5. And yes. Yes I will say it outloud and write it and sing it from the mountaintops. No offense to anyone, but there is no family in St. Albans that will be LIVING WITH US. No one on the other side of the wall. No one to pick up our dishes or move our laundry or call when we aren't home by 7:30.

Much love to all the family who has supported us through this crazy move and all the patience, generosity, and love you've shown us.

Now please leave us alone for a month and a half.

(at least)

The walls are primed and ready to go. And so am I.

This is my day

Manic Monday and Mud and Tape

Well, we finally gave in and hired some people to help us with our house. Admitted that perhaps, just maybe, we are not experts in everything and there are people who can do it better than us. That perhaps, allowing someone else to mud and tape the walls might be a good idea. That it will not make it any less our home.

And this incredible step forward has led to leaps and bounds forward.

So much so that it seems as though (shh) maybe (SHHHH) I think (DON'T SAY IT TOO LOUD YOU WILL JINX IT) that we just might (OH MY GOD JUST EVEN THINKING IT IS GOING TO FUCK EVERYTHING UP) move in.

This weekend.

OH NOW YOU'VE DONE IT. NOW YOU'VE SCREWED IT ALL UP AND YOU WOULD HAVE MOVED IN THIS WEEKEND BUT YOU HAD TO GO AND NOT ONLY THINK IT BUT WRITE IT, AND KNOWING YOU, YOU'RE PROBABLY READING THIS OUTLOUD TO YOURSELF TO MAKE SURE IT MAKES SENSE SO NOW YOU'VE SAID IT TOO. AND NOW YOU WON'T MOVE IN UNTIL FUCKING MARCH. OF 2011.

Ok, now that I've gotten that scary alter-ego voice thing out... we might move in!

This weekend.

(maybe). Ok probably. (or maybe not).

I am trying to be non-committal because if I committed and we didn't do it I might die. Like fall over dead and screaming.

Although I guess you can't keep screaming if you are dead, but if there was a way, I would figure it out.

Anyway. This rambling, nonsense-ical post is brought to you by Monday.

MONDAY!

Because it's 10:12p.m. and John and I have not been home before 8:30 p.m. since before vacation, and we are exhausted and ready to move in and I have had a couple glasses of wine and want nothing more than to go sleep for fifteen hours and then paint walls in my house and put things on those perfect walls and then get back into bed in my new bedroom.

But alas. Tomorrow I will go to work, and the next day, and the day after that and EVEN, the day after that. But the day after THAT? THE DAY AFTER ALL THOSE OTHER, SUCKY, VANILLA, MIDDLE-OF-THE-WEEK-IN-THE-MIDDLE-OF-JANUARY-DAYS? That is the day I will move in to my new house.

(probably)

And I couldn't be happier if I tried.

What's it all for, anyway?

Tonight I watched a movie about a blogger. Based off of her blog. Blog. Blog. Bloggity.

And it got me thinking, what's this all for, anyway? Is there an end-game to my ramblings here? A point at which I will say, "there! I got something out of this!". Am I doing anything that matters or simply writing for myself and my few friends who read this? Is it truly as narcissistic and pointless as it feels sometimes?

I feel like sometimes, women especially, feel like we need to give ourselves permission to have something that has no point in our lives. We give ourselves permission for all sorts of things.

It is ok to take a break from theater to focus on life. It does not mean I am a failure.

It is ok to eat this. It does not mean I am a failure.

It is ok to move back to Vermont.
To go to bed early.
To call in sick.
To be afraid.
To cry.
To read a romance novel.
It is ok to need a break from your husband.
To need a break from your life.

It doesn't mean I am a failure.

Perhaps the point is to not have an end-game in mind, to simply remember what I've done and where I've been and how it felt. To remember how hard some of these things were. To see how far I've come.

Everything, and I do mean EVERY. THING. in our lives is chaos right now, and this blog, for whatever else it has been, has been a way to keep track of my sanity. To vent. To commit to perpetuity the ridiculousness that has ensued. Maybe it's the one thing I can really count on, because no one but me controls this blog. It can't yell at me, it can't suddenly spring a leak or surprise me with a new roommate or get stuck in the snow or run out of money. It just is. And I guess I've needed that quite a bit over the past year.

This blog just is. And that is perfectly ok.