Sixty

This is my sixtieth blog entry. One for each second in a minute, for each minute in an hour. I think of just how much has changed since the first blog entry I wrote, and it is truly astonishing. A new city, a new job, a new life. Suddenly we're on the cusp of homeownership. We've overcome an incredible fear, in what happened in august. We've survived living in the place that we have been, and everything that comes along with being in that place. We've learned how to be in Vermont. We've made friends. Made progress. Made some mistakes. Made some margaritas.

Oh god. There have been margaritas.

It is 6:29 and I am at my desk at work still, the last person in the office other than the slightly creepy guy who sits upstairs and doesn't ever talk to me. I am so happy here.

I want to be funny, or insightful, but I guess for now this is all I have. I'm too tired for insight. Last night I woke up, wide awake at 4:40 a.m. For anyone who is even remotely familiar with me, you will understand that this is not a pleasant or welcome state for me to be in, unless I haven't yet gone to bed. I am a night owl. I laid in bed and tried to understand why my stomach was churning and my heart was racing. I thought of clients, of getting work to the printer and god if I have to hear that woman talk again I will just punch myself in the face, I thought of the house that we are trying, trying, trying to buy. I thought of my Mom, and her appointment today to get checked up and be sure that the cancer hasn't come back. Everything I thought of just made my heart beat faster. So I counted the minutes. And eventually I fell asleep. About sixty minutes later.

How quickly things change.

House

Just say yes. Please. Just say yes. I'm not sure what I'll do if I have to wait another full day.

Please.

Yes.

Please.

Beginning

I feel as though I'm hurtling through these past weeks, so full of fast-paced work, and traveling, and love and life and excitement and hope that it takes my breath away. There are a lot of beginnings happening right now.

First, the beginning of fall. This bright new season in Vermont. My first autumn here is gorgeous and crisp and moving so fast before me. It seems that the chill in the air just began, but already the leaves are on the porch and the twilight begins at 5p.m. Already this beginning is ending.

The beginning of a new phase of life-- homeownership. Is it possible? Really, truly possible? I have been holding my breath, crossing my fingers, squeezing my eyes and my heart shut, because it is too much to hope. But it seems as though it is really happening. Like right now. Each minute we get closer. I am terrified.

And finally, the beginning of a life together. Andrew and Samantha had the most beautiful wedding, and she was the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. Samantha is a woman who was meant to be a bride, so graceful and elegant and calm and poised. I love them both, these people who are now my family. It makes me love John even more, if that is possible, for bringing them into my life, for sharing his life with me.

And so it seemed apt to begin writing a new chapter in this blog. It seems I just can't stay dedicated to writing every night, but I'm trying. I'm trying. I'll try some more. This is a new beginning. Anything is possible.