Memorial Day

Today I woke up suddenly, wide awake. No drifting into consciousness and stretching into sunlight for me. John was gone, and the bed being empty seems like a defining moment for me each morning-- that moment I become aware he isn't with me-- and I would move mountains of blankets to be where he is. But today he is gone, doing a favor for a friend, and I awoke out of dreams of the ghosts of my past. I dreamt of ex-boyfriends, who tugged at my heartstrings and who made me thrill and cry. All of them, one way or another, made me cry.

One specific ex-boyfriend, who I met just before John haunted my dreams last night. What a silly girl I was, to not have seen the signs in the way he wasn't ever really totally interested. But I bought it, hook, line and sinker. I just wanted to be loved, to be adored, so badly. I think this was probably the biggest mistake I ever made in love, and I made it over, and over, and over again. Looking for a boy to adore me, when I couldn't find those things to adore in myself. Crazy.

But there were those exciting moments too, when the phone rang and it was him, he apologized for calling on Christmas Eve but didn't want to wait in case I made plans for the week. When he picked me up, he was so shy and said that he never thought I would have noticed him, sitting in the back of the English class. Ha! He was all I could see. In a sea of fraternity brothers and j-lo-fuzzy-pant-wearing-girls, that shy guy in the back who would blush when I looked his way was my Everest. I would find a way to get to him.

I don't remember him kissing me the first time (but I do remember the last). I don't remember much at all from that winter season-- I was a boomerang of depression and elation. I remember him getting into a fight over me. I remember walking in the snow. I remember another guy showing up at the bar where I was with him, the other guy I was also wasting time with, and me worrying that they would find out about each other. Silly Ashley, to not realize they were doing the same thing to me. In fact they might have been relieved.

In my dream I felt all of the excitement that comes with first skydiving into, not love, but some elation that only occurs in the early days-- when you haven't picked up someone's socks and wondered together how you would pay the bills. I woke up smiling. I love that memory. I love remembering that feeling. It is a feeling of no regrets. And even now, I know that I wouldn't give up my memories of that time, of those boys, of who I was with them, for the world. They made me who I am today.

I am a woman who is totally in love with her husband, because she kissed (quite) a few frogs before she got to him.

A list of things I do not miss, and some I do

For today- since I’ve been away and am feeling less than 100% creative- a list.

16 Things I Don’t Miss About Massachusetts, and 6 Things I do

1. I do not miss the traffic
2. I do not miss the despair
3. I do not miss hating people (specifically other drivers)
4. I do not miss dying inside a little bit, every day, as I sat in a cubicle
5. I do not miss the tolls
6. I do not miss wondering which bill I would pay late, and how much that would cost
7. I do not miss hearing the upstairs neighbors scream at their 5 children
8. I do not miss ordering food at least 2 nights a week because I was just too tired to cook
9. I do not miss the commute
10. I do not miss the noise
11. I do not miss the lack of backyard hammocks. And the lack of backyards at all
12. I do not miss the crazy right-wing radio station that was the only one with reliable traffic reports
13. I do not miss needing traffic reports to know if I should stop and get coffee because I would be sitting still for at least 40 minutes
14. I do not miss the lack of places to plant things (see above #11 for the lack of backyards)
15. I do not miss wondering who else had walked barefoot on the carpet in my living room
16. I do not miss the way I felt in Massachusetts

But...

1. I do miss wondering “Which Target should I go to?”
2. I do miss the Gulugulgulugulugulu Café
3. I do miss tacos
4. I do miss the grocery stores. Wayyyy better grocery stores
5. I do miss Steve. And Marie. And Laura, and JD and Darius and Greg and Jeremy and Kristen, and Megan (in my mind, you are still in Boston) and Colin and Sean and Julie and Jim and Jeff and Tana and Justin and Emmanuel and Russ and that guy who would read bad poetry at the Gulu and wear the big white sunglasses while he did it and even, yes, I even miss Gerard
6. I do miss the ocean

Seems pretty clear the decision was the right one. Next time, the list of things I love about being in Vermont. What won’t be on that list? Getting lost on a dirt road on top of a mountain. What will? Walking home barefoot and tipsy from the Snowshoe Pub in the middle of the street and knowing that I was absolutely, 100% safe, and absolutely, 100% happy.