Like a waterfall in slow motion, Part One
3 years ago
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Happy Valentines Weekend
Went to Plattsburgh this weekend to be with the parents. We went to the winter carnival in Saranac Lake, saw the ice castle, played with puppies, ate lobsters, got in the hot tub, played cards, wiid, and slept. We looked at stars. We could see them. We breathed. It was wonderful, and romantic, and awesome. I adore my husband. I feel so lucky to be able to spend time with family. I am thankful for everything and everyone I saw this weekend. I want it to be a more permanent thing, being closer to family and being in a place that I love. A place where I feel relaxed and a place where I can breathe. John and I are working very hard to make that a reality. Now, we just need a little luck on our side. Fingers crossed.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
a note from a less than perfect time
Dear John,
Today I found a picture of you from before we met. You were so handsome. You are so handsome. I love the you in that picture, full of bravado, not quite sure of yourself. I love who you have become-- the perfect match to who I am, the one who fills up those places in me that are empty. I hope I do the same for you. I love that you go to the laundromat. I love that you hate the way I do dishes. That you let me sleep in. That you hold my hand. I know things have been difficult lately, with the way the world is and our less than perfect place in it. I promise it will get better, and I promise that I do believe that, even though some days I want to run away into the night, away from every scary stressful thing that overwhelms me, which is most of life right now.
I never, ever want to run away from you. Only with you.
I love you. Thank you for being everything you are.
ash
Thursday, February 5, 2009
A sign of spring
5p.m.- still light outside. Sky is cotton candy blue. If only it weren't so cold.
Brrrr...
Brrrr...
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
A typical Wednesday
My Morning
6:50 a.m. First Alarm- snooze
7:10 a.m. Second Alarm- snooze
7:15 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:20 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:25 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:30 a.m. Snooze Alarm
(somewhere in here I started having a bizarre dream about my HR person being a short story author, who wrote a story and printed it at work and named a character "Ashley" and said that he wished she wore pantyhose more frequently. In the dream I found the story on the printer and for some reason got very upset, thinking it was a veiled comment on my thighs being fat. In the dream I cried. This is how I woke up this morning. Sadly, this is not that weird a morning.)
7:35 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:40 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:45 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:50 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:55 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:59 a.m. Ugghh
8:00 a.m. Scurry toward the bathroom. Be sure to bend down in the kitchen so the strange guy next door can't see through the window that I am topless. The floor is freezing. I am late. Again.
8:04 a.m. Go too fast in the shower. The water is hot but the air is so cold. Get goosebumps. Almost fall getting out. All the towels are slightly used.
8:06 a.m. ahh, a moment of pleasure in the day. Blowdrying my hair. Ohh the heat. It is so warm.
8:08 a.m. Husband walks by, sees I am naked. Give him a look that says, "Don't even consider it."
8:08:30 a.m. Get groped. Like it a little. No you don't have time to like anything!!!!!
8:09 a.m. Step into the kitchen. Cold again. Remember you are topless! Bend down and scurry.
8:10 a.m. Luckily I picked out my clothes last night and hung them up so I would know what to wear. What's this, the black pants fell on the floor, and the orange cat made a bed out of them?? Too late to plan anything else. Wear them anyway.
8:12 a.m. Sigh. I am covered in cat hair.
8:13 a.m. Grab a granola bar. Search for socks. Put granola bar in pocket. Socks on. Boots. Feed cats.
8:16 a.m. Spill entire cat dish of water on kitchen floor. Fuck it.
8:17 a.m. Jacket on. Remember that jacket sleeve is wripped. Sigh. Why can't I have nice things? Pick cat hair off knee.
8:18 a.m. Kiss husband.
8:19 a.m. Carefully. Carefully down the snow covered icy back stairs.
8:20 a.m. throw the keys in the car. Start the car. Windshield wipers immediately engage, as I was using them last night, and dump 3 inches of snow onto my ass. Sigh. Grab mittens. Begin cleaning car off.
8:22 a.m. Husband begins helping. Feel guilty. He shouldn't be late too, just because I am lazy and can't get out of bed. I WANT TO GO BACK TO BED.
8:27 a.m. Get into car, attempt to back out of driveway.
8:29 a.m. Finally on the road. I have no wiper fluid. Within 3 minutes I cannot see out the windshield.
8:30a.m. Pick cat hair off knee. Eat granola bar.
8:40 a.m. Stop at gas station. They are out of wiper fluid. Back into car. It is so cold.
8:50 a.m. Stop at next gas station. They have wiper fluid. What's this? Ohh, you don't accept credit cards for less than $10. Gas? Don't need it. Coffee? Oh, you don't have it.
8:52 a.m. Suprise myself and the clerk when I growl that it is illegal to do this and they must accept my credit card.
8:53 a.m. Be astonished when this works.
8:55 a.m. Open hood of car. Look for where the wiper fluid goes. (you're late you're late YOU"RE LATE FOR WORK DON"T FUCK THIS UP YOU'LL BREAK THE CAR!!!!!!!!!!)
8:56 a.m. Look around for a gentleman. Any man. Anyone with a penis.
8:57 a.m. Sigh. Figure it is probably the little thing at the front with the picture on it that sort of looks like glasses. Or a picture of a box. What is that picture of? Is this it? OH GOD I AM GOING TO BREAK THE CAR.
8:57:23 a.m. Hope.
8:58 a.m. Start the car. Press down the wiper fluid stick. IT WORKS!!! I FIGURED THIS OUT!!! BY MYSELF. OH MY GOD I AM SO LATE FOR WORK.
9:15 a.m. Grumble as I sit at a light.
9:20 a.m. Sigh. Pick cat hair off other knee.
9:36 a.m. Take the exit off the pike. Speed.
9:40 a.m. CONSTRUCTION??? You've got to be kidding.
9:42 a.m. Pull into parking lot. No legitimate spaces left. Park anywhere. Try to look like there was a good reason.
9:45 a.m. Sit down at desk. Grumble to myself. Go get coffee while computer warms up.
9:47 a.m. I have recieved 3 emails. THREE. Why was I rushing? Oh yes, that's right, the crushing judement. Feel the judgement crush me from every cube around me.
9:49 a.m. Forget about it. Wonder how bad it would be to leave early.
6:50 a.m. First Alarm- snooze
7:10 a.m. Second Alarm- snooze
7:15 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:20 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:25 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:30 a.m. Snooze Alarm
(somewhere in here I started having a bizarre dream about my HR person being a short story author, who wrote a story and printed it at work and named a character "Ashley" and said that he wished she wore pantyhose more frequently. In the dream I found the story on the printer and for some reason got very upset, thinking it was a veiled comment on my thighs being fat. In the dream I cried. This is how I woke up this morning. Sadly, this is not that weird a morning.)
7:35 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:40 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:45 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:50 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:55 a.m. Snooze Alarm
7:59 a.m. Ugghh
8:00 a.m. Scurry toward the bathroom. Be sure to bend down in the kitchen so the strange guy next door can't see through the window that I am topless. The floor is freezing. I am late. Again.
8:04 a.m. Go too fast in the shower. The water is hot but the air is so cold. Get goosebumps. Almost fall getting out. All the towels are slightly used.
8:06 a.m. ahh, a moment of pleasure in the day. Blowdrying my hair. Ohh the heat. It is so warm.
8:08 a.m. Husband walks by, sees I am naked. Give him a look that says, "Don't even consider it."
8:08:30 a.m. Get groped. Like it a little. No you don't have time to like anything!!!!!
8:09 a.m. Step into the kitchen. Cold again. Remember you are topless! Bend down and scurry.
8:10 a.m. Luckily I picked out my clothes last night and hung them up so I would know what to wear. What's this, the black pants fell on the floor, and the orange cat made a bed out of them?? Too late to plan anything else. Wear them anyway.
8:12 a.m. Sigh. I am covered in cat hair.
8:13 a.m. Grab a granola bar. Search for socks. Put granola bar in pocket. Socks on. Boots. Feed cats.
8:16 a.m. Spill entire cat dish of water on kitchen floor. Fuck it.
8:17 a.m. Jacket on. Remember that jacket sleeve is wripped. Sigh. Why can't I have nice things? Pick cat hair off knee.
8:18 a.m. Kiss husband.
8:19 a.m. Carefully. Carefully down the snow covered icy back stairs.
8:20 a.m. throw the keys in the car. Start the car. Windshield wipers immediately engage, as I was using them last night, and dump 3 inches of snow onto my ass. Sigh. Grab mittens. Begin cleaning car off.
8:22 a.m. Husband begins helping. Feel guilty. He shouldn't be late too, just because I am lazy and can't get out of bed. I WANT TO GO BACK TO BED.
8:27 a.m. Get into car, attempt to back out of driveway.
8:29 a.m. Finally on the road. I have no wiper fluid. Within 3 minutes I cannot see out the windshield.
8:30a.m. Pick cat hair off knee. Eat granola bar.
8:40 a.m. Stop at gas station. They are out of wiper fluid. Back into car. It is so cold.
8:50 a.m. Stop at next gas station. They have wiper fluid. What's this? Ohh, you don't accept credit cards for less than $10. Gas? Don't need it. Coffee? Oh, you don't have it.
8:52 a.m. Suprise myself and the clerk when I growl that it is illegal to do this and they must accept my credit card.
8:53 a.m. Be astonished when this works.
8:55 a.m. Open hood of car. Look for where the wiper fluid goes. (you're late you're late YOU"RE LATE FOR WORK DON"T FUCK THIS UP YOU'LL BREAK THE CAR!!!!!!!!!!)
8:56 a.m. Look around for a gentleman. Any man. Anyone with a penis.
8:57 a.m. Sigh. Figure it is probably the little thing at the front with the picture on it that sort of looks like glasses. Or a picture of a box. What is that picture of? Is this it? OH GOD I AM GOING TO BREAK THE CAR.
8:57:23 a.m. Hope.
8:58 a.m. Start the car. Press down the wiper fluid stick. IT WORKS!!! I FIGURED THIS OUT!!! BY MYSELF. OH MY GOD I AM SO LATE FOR WORK.
9:15 a.m. Grumble as I sit at a light.
9:20 a.m. Sigh. Pick cat hair off other knee.
9:36 a.m. Take the exit off the pike. Speed.
9:40 a.m. CONSTRUCTION??? You've got to be kidding.
9:42 a.m. Pull into parking lot. No legitimate spaces left. Park anywhere. Try to look like there was a good reason.
9:45 a.m. Sit down at desk. Grumble to myself. Go get coffee while computer warms up.
9:47 a.m. I have recieved 3 emails. THREE. Why was I rushing? Oh yes, that's right, the crushing judement. Feel the judgement crush me from every cube around me.
9:49 a.m. Forget about it. Wonder how bad it would be to leave early.
Monday, February 2, 2009
My hair is on fire
An actual im conversation from my day:
Fender (2/2/2009 10:13:04 AM): every day, I feel like I learn one new thing that makes me want to set my computer on fire, and run screaming from the building, and never come back
Coworker, who shall remain nameless (2/2/2009 10:13:25 AM): this was it?
Fender (2/2/2009 10:13:32 AM): maybe, who knows
Fender (2/2/2009 10:13:36 AM): the day is young
Coworker (2/2/2009 10:13:45 AM): very true
Fender (2/2/2009 10:13:04 AM): every day, I feel like I learn one new thing that makes me want to set my computer on fire, and run screaming from the building, and never come back
Coworker, who shall remain nameless (2/2/2009 10:13:25 AM): this was it?
Fender (2/2/2009 10:13:32 AM): maybe, who knows
Fender (2/2/2009 10:13:36 AM): the day is young
Coworker (2/2/2009 10:13:45 AM): very true
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